an encouraging email

this morning my fiance wrote me this…..
 

I deserve death, yet God blessed me with you

L ost without Christ, then Christ made me new
O verly burdened and tempted to hurry
V ery still weak, til His strength broke my worry
E very moment now lifted with hope
 
Y esterdays pain He has helped me to cope
O nto tomorrow with a dream coming true
U are gift and I want no one but you.
 
I love you very much Jess West.  8^)  Thank you for hanging in there with me.
 
I have been struggling with health more recently than I have in the past and I am trying to make the best of it but it has at times been overwhelming.  Thank you for not giving up on me.  I am trying my very best not to give up on myself or you.  Only God can help us be successful in this relationship, and I am very confident that is His plan.  He wants us to succeed whereas the enemy wants us to fail.
 
I Peter 3:10-12

Oh I love this man. I love that he loves the Lord more than me…..that he trusts in the Lord with all that we have to deal with. Thank the Lord he has allowed my future husband to be a man after his very own heart.

created with a spirit that craves God

I know I have posted about this song in the past. But the sooner my wedding date comes its like the Lord wants this imprinted on my heart.

C.S. Lewis Song – by Brook Fraser
If I find in myself desires nothing in this world can satisfy,
I can only conclude that I was not made for here
If the flesh that I fight is at best only light and momentary,
then of course I’ll feel nude when to where I’m destined I’m compared

Speak to me in the light of the dawn
Mercy comes with the morning
I will sigh and with all creation groan as I wait for hope to come for me

Am I lost or just found? On the straight or on the roundabout of the wrong way?
is this a soul that stirs in me, is it breaking free, wanting to come alive?
Cos my comfort would prefer for me to be numb
An avoid the impending birth of who I was born to become

For we, we are not long here
Our time is but a breath, so we better breathe it
And I, I was made to live, I was made to love, I was made to know you
Hope is coming for me

Hope, He’s coming

One of the questions in our preparing for marriage FOCUS test asked us if we think that Marriage will complete us. I know it will not. Actually it kinda scares me a bit because marriage is hard. Even harder when you don’t have the right outlook on it. Now I am not saying I have the “perfect outlook on it” and believe me I have been so faced with my selfishness over the past few months that I know that the Lord uses marriage to make us more like Him. That process can be pretty tough because you are faced with the reflection of yourself in the mirror and realize…wow I thought I was different then this. Recently a co-worker of mine lent me this book called a Sacred Marriage by Gary Thomas, and as I was reading I came across this quote “I was created with a spirit that craves God, and I feel and ache.” marriage, a child, the dream job, the perfect car or perfect family will not take away that ache in our hearts that can only be filled by Christ himself.

It’s hard in all the craziness of preparing especially the last final weeks for a marriage to not be distracted, and believe me I feel like the enemy has used every opportunity he could find to distract and discourage me. To make me feel like I am doing this on my own.

But I realized the other night that I am focusing on the whirlwind of what is going around me. The outside influences of other people and then comparing that ache in my heart that is meant for the Lord himself and thinking these outside influences are the reason for the ache in my heart.

But thats not the case. The outside influences can’t be the cause of me to ache. Because the Lord promises that “The steadfast of mind You will keep in perfect peace, because he trusts in You. Trust in the Lord forever, for in God the Lord, we have an everlasting rock.” (Isaiah 26:3-4 NASB).

My craving for peace, my craving for people not to discourage me trying to plan a wedding, my craving for people to not just do things for my wedding without asking, my craving to make sure everything is all “just right” is not coming from outside influences….my craving….my ache in my heart… is an ache to be still in the Lord. That even though their is a whirlwind of people/influence around me that are just being super discouraging. That the Lord does not want me to focus on that. He just wants me to trust in Him. To be able to focus on Ephesians 4:32 “Be kind to one another, tender-hearted, forgiving each other, just as God in Christ also has forgiven you.”

Lord I am not doing very well on doing this on my own, I pray for your guidance and wisdom, also your hand of protection over myself and also over Scott. That you prepare us to celebrate our union together before you. That you raise up people who love and adore you who want to protect our hearts to come alongside us. To encourage us. I praise you that for me personally you have raised some amazing people already. I pray that we are able to become more like you through our marriage, in knowing Lord that you have drawn and binded our hearts forever to yours, and that you will use us in this marriage. I praise you Lord that you have not given up on me.

How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace

I remember when I attended my first Shane and Shane concert with my friend Jenny Boyko years ago. How at the end of the concert I told her I was ashamed that I didn’t know a lot of the old Christian Hymns.  Since then I have had the pleasure of hearing many. One of my dear favorites is “Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing”. I was musing in my head with the lyrics tonight and decided to look them up on wikipedia. I found the original version

1. Come, Thou Fount of every blessing,
Tune my heart to sing Thy grace;
Streams of mercy, never ceasing,
Call for songs of loudest praise.
Teach me some melodious sonnet,
Sung by flaming tongues above.
Praise his Name, I’m fixed upon it,
Name of Thy redeeming love.

2. Sorrowing I shall be in spirit,
Till released from flesh and sin,
Yet from what I do inherit,
Here Thy praises I’ll begin;
Here I raise my Ebenezer;
Here by Thy great help I’ve come;
And I hope, by Thy good pleasure,
Safely to arrive at home.

3. Jesus sought me when a stranger,
Wandering from the fold of God;
He, to rescue me from danger,
Interposed His precious blood;
How His kindness yet pursues me
Mortal tongue can never tell,
Clothed in flesh, till death shall loose me
I cannot proclaim it well.

4. O to grace how great a debtor
Daily I’m constrained to be!
Let Thy goodness, like a fetter,
Bind my wandering heart to Thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
Prone to leave the God I love;
Here’s my heart, O take and seal it,
Seal it for Thy courts above.

5. O that day when freed from sinning,
I shall see Thy lovely face;
Clothed then in blood washed linen
How I’ll sing Thy sovereign grace;
Come, my Lord, no longer tarry,
Take my ransomed soul away;
Send thine angels now to carry
Me to realms of endless day.

I was talking to Scott about discouragement. That I dont have a flower girl. How things just feel like they are being thrown at us. During this, Scott started having some of his spasms again. His blood sugar dropped to 30 something (probably lower but he didn’t want to take it again until he had some apple juice in him). We calmly sat at the table. I prayed for him. We moved to the living room so we can finish watching 24 together. Got him ice for his head and a pillow, because the spasms make his head slam into the ground. After about 30 mins they subsided. During this I was just thinking about how blessed we are. That the Lord allowed us to catch this in time, so it wasn’t worse, we actually had out his glucagun shot. I was mentally and physically prepared that this was going to be a long night and that I would have to stick my fiance with a needle to make him better. But the Lord…allowed us to catch it in time. The song just popped in my head. Come thou fount of every blessing, Tune my heart to sing Thy grace; Streams of mercy, never ceasing,Call for songs of loudest praise.

It doesn’t matter what ever life circumstance you are going through right now. The Lord has seen it all. He has gone before us. Even though what I have been experiancing might be seen as discouragement. I also have much more encouragement. Encouragement that the Lord has written His name in my heart. That Im living in a great peaceful place with some wonderful people. That I had today off and it just so happened that I have my dental appointment today. I actually hate going to the dentist but I praise the Lord that my dentist is so thourough and detail oriented. That the Lord has answered a long awaited prayer that I have been praying since I have been a kid. That my relationship with both of my sisters would be strengthened. That I would be able to talk to my baby sister Kaylee on a more consistant basis. I praise the Lord that we are talking almost everyday. Thats huge! I praise the Lord for the beautiful weather today.I praise the Lord for some amazing friendships. I praise the Lord for my friends stepping up like Capri, Amber, Roxy and Abby wanting to be flower girls. (I think this would be hilarious). I praise the Lord for Liz making me laugh and wanting to go to Vegas to get Scott and I hitched, then having that prayer be retweeted out by a prayer team.

“How His kindness yet pursues me”

 

saved me

Tonight Scott and I were looking through old facebook messages from when we started talking. He swears I asked him out on the first date. I didn’t “ask him on a date” I asked if he wanted to hang out sometime. This was not intended as a “asking on a date”. We can laugh about it now. But I praise the Lord for Jon Phillipe because he really encouraged Scott to pray and to just hang out with me. Which Scott did pray and did hang out with me….and now look we are getting married in 46 days!!!

Today as we were looking over the emails, talking about songs we want to dance to, filling out addresses for wedding invites. I was pretty discouraged last Thursday when it was just Heidi and I at first I didn’t want to write out the invite cards or hang out. People kept on cancelling so I just cancelled the wedding craft/hang out night with the girls. But Heidi would not take no for an answer and forced me to allow her to come over. It truly was wonderful. Had some Thai and just bonded over crafting. 

Scott and I were looking back over the past year for us and we just have been seeing time and time again that  2009 has been a lot of pruning for me…allot of the Lord taking away…and truly it has been rough. Now being able to look back I see why. I see why the Lord has taken away friends, has taken away service opportunities, has taken away other things in my life. I know if its His will He will allow these things to come back. He would bless them even better because I was able to trust Him and let Him take them away from me.

But as Heidi and I were reflecting last week. If it wasn’t for 2009 and her coming on staff in 2008, we wouldn’t have been where we are now. I consider her one of my best friends. I am truly blessed by this woman who encourages me in all aspects of life to be a more Godly woman. I truly truly am human and fall short on this. She in a loving way can call me out. I can trust her with wisdom, I can trust her that she would be praying for me, and she has been such an overwhelming encouragement during my engagement period. My dad and mom are not really involved and it has hurt my heart tremendously. Heidi has been amazing. Plus hysterically funny.

Tonight I realized that even though the Lord took away allot from me in 2009, He has fully blessed me with Scott. For awhile I kept thinking, oh Scott he will wake up and realize that he should totally be engaged to another woman. He totally could be! This man is amazing. This weekend it has fully clicked that the Lord has choosen Scott to be the man I am going to marry. That he has allowed Scott into my life so I can experience a new depth of the Love that Christ has for me. I can truly follow this man, because even though situations may not look good at the moment, if I follow Scott and trust his decision and his leading, I will see that what he is doing is for my good. I was telling my small groups team the other day, that before I met Scott I was in love with the moving Amazing Grace, no lie I would watch it every night. Not the whole thing but I always had it in my DVD player and would watch a bit before going to sleep. I was truly fascinated by William Wilberforce. I told my group that since I love the movie so much I wanted to marry a man like William Wilberforce. A coworker of mine said wow thats a tall order, and I was like well I found him…. or God found him for me. 

I may be blinded by love…but I think I am truly not. You see there are no coincidences with God. Back in 1997 Scott graduated from college and in that October frame he was driving, just asking the Lord why he was not married yet. It was tearing up at him. The Lord just kept telling Scott to trust Him and in His timing. Finally Scott in tears in a cornfield decided that he would trust the Lord to bring his wife to him in the Lords timing.

Now back in October of 1997…one year after my abortion…and my heart was hurting bad. My friend Erica and some other friends from the church I was attending was telling me about the Billy Graham Crusade that was hitting Tampa stadium. I was fascinated, wanted to see why everyone was talking about it on the radio, why the traffic was just insane. So I went, we had nosebleed seats. Heard this man Billy Graham talk about some man named Paul in the bible and the cross. Something tugged at my heart and I gave my life to Christ. Although I didn’t fully understand Gods love and unmerited grace till years later.

Scott thought that the Lord would be providing him a lady in waiting type of girl. Nope….the Lord literally picked up a girl from the sin she was living in…who rebelled a few times because she didn’t understand grace and the love of Christ. and saved her for him. I just got that this weekend. The same month/year Scott prayed to the Lord for a wife He has been saving for him. The Lord literally saved me…and therefore saved me for Scott. Wow!

We met 12 years later and we know that the Lord has prepared our entire lifetime for our souls companion.

Wow….not only has the Lord “saved me” from the life I was leading to live a life that is soley for Him. To know and trust Him with all my heart and soul. To know that Jesus Christ himself is the only one that can save me. That I can now have eternal hope. But He has also “saved me” for Scott. I am so blessed and grateful to be able to marry my best friend. I am grateful that the Lord has allowed me to live my past, to be a witness for Him in my future, and has allowed the amazing family who has raised Scott, so I can see restoration in mine.

Psalm 36:5 (NASB)

Your lovingkindness, O LORD, extends to the heavens, Your faithfulness reaches to the skies

My RSVP Cards!!!!!

I am so blessed by Scotts brother-in-law Paul Young. You see I’ve been planning on making some really cute and funky RSVP Cards/Postcard style. I wanted to do this since our wedding is essentially an open wedding. I am really excited how everything is coming along and how much creativity is already in place. I already designed the wedding invites last week, Im super stoked how they came out . This past Saturday, Scott and I wanted to do pictures for our RSVP post cards. Last min I was thinking….wow how am I going to do this all by myself. I am the type of person who scott teasingly tells me “if I was pregnant I can birth my own baby” I can do things on my own. But praise the Lord in His great mercy, He likes to gently remind me that its okay to ask for help….and its okay to need help.  

So Paul has ALL the photography equipment for a professional photography…actually he does this professionally at a church, photography, videography, graphic design.

So after I made a quick run to Michael’s the craft store for a few props, I headed over to Scotts. We used a super intense smelling marker to make the signs…thought I and Scotts pregnant sister were going to get sick. Then Paul set Scotts living room up as a studio…took some silly pictures of us…brought up his mac book and made our post card.

How amazing is this!!!!! wow! so captures our personality! thanks again Paul!!!

some of my favorite blogs

so I admit…. I love reading!

So it wasn’t long before I found out about google.com/reader and was able to pick out a bunch of people who I absolutely look forward to their next blog posts. Here is a list of some of my top favorites

Peacock Manor - This is actually one of my best friends and bridesmaids for my wedding. Not only is she super creative and has wonderful style. check out her other blog here . But loves thrift store shopping, side of the road finds and I just love her heart.

A Beautiful Mess - This woman can crochet or knit just about anything. I love her style and I love shop. She inspires me allot.

Once Wed - Wow! Every brides dream! A cute blog that tells you about DIY weddings. Also you can buy/sell your dress on the site.

Promise Tangeman – cute, crafty and loves the Lord. I look forward to reading about her projects. Truly inspirational. Also her sister has a pretty cool blog here. Im still trying to convince my super artistic sister to blog so I love seeing sisters blog.

Grit and Glory – A woman who allows the Lord to profoundly work in her and her heart. I love reading her daily walk, struggles and victories.

Rockstar Diaries - really cute couple in DC with a cute dog and their adventures.

Cakies – super cute blog about a stay at home mom, she is into crafting and makes super cute things, also her kids have super cute names, Soul, Brave and True

Life Change - Written by a good friend and small group leader Rika. I love reading about what the Lord is teaching her.

I have many more…. I guess there is a pattern….blogs that artistically inspire me (I love it more when they are inspired by the Lord)…have good reads…and make me laugh…and I do love blogs that moms write. I hope one day that when I am a mom I will be able to still have a crafty fun blog.

What blogs do you love to follow and look forward to reading?

2009 Year in Review

here is a flickr set of my year in review, I know I am missing some pictures but it has been an amazing year…..can’t wait what this year will bring….59 more days till I am a Judkins

 2009 Pictures

Time off and crafting

I actually get all next week off of work. YAY! Plenty of time to move and it has given me plenty of time the past few days to rest and to craft! I’ve been crocheting a ton of my wallet creations. For more you can see some posted on my other blog here

http://myheartresonateswithaglorioussound.blogspot.com

Now off to sleep. I pulled something in my back two days ago, woke up and could barely move….did that stop me? Nope, saturday I ended up moving some of my stuff, going to the gym to run and running errands. Today I paid for it. Could barely walk, Scott forced me to rest. I did, after I got my money back from PR & Partners in the town center and making a quick stop to the Paper Source and Anthropologie (I’ve been considering on cute, vintage looking anthro bridesmaid dressed for the wedding). Went home and rested….well rested and crafted. Prayerfully tomorrow I will be fully healed of my back problems.

bad hair cut, slippery road, flat tire and a wedding invite

The past week has been semi discouraging, allot has been going on….

Getting ready to move out, this is actually a good thing. I’ve been house-sitting for the past couple of days and I now know what I have been missing the past 8 months….sleep….Scott says that this week I look like a different person. A person who is finally letting go of burdens I have been carrying around…a person who is finally getting some sleep…and I like sleep..I function better emotionally, physically and spiritually with sleep. I think we all do.

Yesterday I finally had my rescheduled hair appointment. Last week I was able to get an appointment for the PR and Partners Hair place in the Reston town center. Sarah Jane gets her hair done there and I LOVE her hair. Asked her for her stylists info. My appt was for Saturday morning, and we had the blizzard storm 09 on Friday night – Sunday morning. Friday night I had no sleep, actually had the worst night terror of my life and called Scott in tears Saturday at 2am. My knight in shining armor picked me up Saturday morning and took me to his place where I was able to rest and hang out with him, Kristyn (his sister) and his brother-in-law Paul. We had a lot of fun playing in the snow, just hanging out and baking cookies. I called the lady from PR and Partners and decided it was too dangerous to go out to get a hair cut. She said she would call me Sunday to reschedule for later that week. Sunday we had the Judkins family Christmas at Scotts parents house. Which was a lot of fun, we opened gifts, had a wonderful dinner/brunch and even went sledding. I think now that I am going to be a Judkins I should probably invest in some warmer winter cloths because I have never met people who love the snow as much as they do. Tyler the 3 year old nephew was trying to surf/sled down the hill by himself, Scott even went sledding and his mom took a few turns. Everyone but me and Kristyn, but Kristyn is pregnant, I have no excuse :-) 

Didn’t get a call from PR Partners on Sunday, so I called them Monday and made the appointment for Wed evening. We had Monday off of work so I spent the day going to the gym to run, errands and bringing my stuff over to house/dog sit.

Yesterday, being super nervous, Scott actually wanted to bring me to my hair appointment. This is the first person in 5 years who is not Thomas to cut my hair. We arrived really early. Like an hour and a half.  So we went to Big Bowl for dinner. I’ve never been but Scott said him and his brother likes the place allot. I went inside the salon as Scott walked around the town center. The entire time my gut was just telling me to leave. The stylist Rita was running a little late and not finished with the client before me. So I was able to sit on a bench behind her and watch her work. I was twittering and texting trusted friends…should I stay or should I go because the clients hair looked awful. It was really short, I noticed Rita’s hair was short and thought…oh Sarah’s hair is short. In my past experience people who are really good with short hair like to talk you into cutting it shorter. I don’t want my hair short, getting married in two months, would like to keep it long. So finally it was my turn. She did try to talk me into cutting it short, like up to my ears short. I calmly told her that I am getting married, would like to keep the length and would like to just have my bangs fixed, not short bangs but side bangs like they are now. Just a trim, less than an inch. She tried to talk me into cutting it at least three inches shorter, I said no, she said I should be brave and I would be a beautiful bride that way, I can always get extensions…ummm did you just say extensions? No want my own hair. So she said what she is going to do is cut  my bangs to reshape them before she washes my hair. I thought okay, this should be good because she can wash it afterwards? I don’t know what I was thinking. You know when you get your hair cut and you are already sitting in the chair, wondering if you should trust this person with scissors in hand, they speak so confidently but the entire time you are thinking “are you smoking crack” but can get the words out and your feet turn to lead so you can’t leave….yeah that was me last night. So she was standing in front of me and I couldn’ t really see what she was doing, then she moved to the side and in horror I saw my bangs were short…like baby bang short…I think she took the angst look on my face as a cue to “cut more!’ and she was cutting more of my bangs. Finally finished I just blankly looked in the mirror and I turned pink. I was embarrassed with how I looked. She didn’t wash my hair, didn’t style it, nothing. They were closing up and since I was the last appt I got my stuff to leave. Went to the front desk, expecting this would be a $30 haircut since she just cut my bangs and trimmed some of my hair the receptionist told me $70. There I stood, not knowing what to do. $70? I mean seriously, this is a haircuttery haircut, I am two months from my wedding and I have baby bangs. They took off $10 for the referral and I paid $60 for a bad haircut. Ran out of the salon looking for Scott…he was amazing…but agreed with me about my bangs.

This morning got in my car to get into work. I figured I could call PR Partners once I get in and once I am not emotional about it.  Almost slipped once a sheet of ice while getting into my car and I remember thinking “wow its slippery outside”. Well Heidi lives on a hill, I tried to back up, got halfway out and started slipping bad. Got stuck on the hill.  I would floor my gas pedal and I wouldn’t move and my car would smoke …agh! I was scared and frustrated. In tears called Scott, had no idea what to do. He said he would be right over. While he was en route I called up PR Partners and spoke to the receptionist to tell her what happened last night. She said I shouldn’t have been charged that much for just a bang/hair cut with no wash/dry/style and said she would have her boss give me a call. Scott came over. I have no idea where this man has learned his car/truck operating skills but he somehow got my car off the hill and back to the front of the townhouse. We saw that my tire looked flat, Scott thought maybe it needed air…and yes my super man fiance that the Lord has provided has an air compressor in his truck!!! We tried to pump the tire and we heard this loud pop…..realized its really a flat, bad tire and that we would have to put on the spare. We were trying to raise my car up but it was seriously icy and the neighbors kept driving by to close to my car, so we tried to back my car into the driveway more but it wasn’t working. One of the neighbor’s came out to help, his name was Christian, brought some salt and cardboard paper to put under the tires. While I hit reverse on the car, Scott and Christian pushed. Got the car in and Scott changed the tire.

We needed to get a real tire because the spare was too dangerous. So we drive to Mr Tires off of 50 in Fairfax. The manager came out to help us out. We showed him the tire and Scott and him were going back and forth on the price. When they agreed on one, Miguel was writing up the work order. I was telling him about how bad of a driver I am and how I ran over a street sign a few months ago. After explaining the incident he looked up shocked and said “was your car okay?” I was like “Yep! The Lord totally protected me! I am such a bad driver, that sign should have crashed through my roof, and the police office totally said it was on him so it didn’t hit my insurance!”. Through my bad driver car story we got on the conversation about Christ. He actually took $10 off the tire and my cost was $111 something….Scott said wow 111 like the trinity, like Jess’s ring, so we showed him the ring and I showed him the cross in the setting and we talked about Christ being in the center of our relationship. We invited him and his family to our wedding, he has two daughter’s, one is named Jessica, we were even able to share (since Scott looked this up a long time ago) the Greek/Hebrew meaning of the name Jessica. Told him about Immanuel Bible Church, he was asking if they had a spanish speaking ministry. Not only was the manager speaking to us but his employees were listening because we were all so excited. They told us the car would be finished in an hour. Scott and I grabbed lunch at Chipotle, then went to Borders Bookstore. Scott felt led to buy him two books, once was the Promises of God (in spanish) and another was this really neat bible concordance. Miguel mentioned how they wanted to start going back to church, and how he feels called to one day be a Pastor. It was a really neat conversation. Was able to get it gift wrapped in the store and upon getting my car back we left it for him. His employees were super nice and excited. Miguel even gave me his home address so I can mail him and his wife a wedding invite. The entire time I was just so super encouraged that Scott and I were blessed enough to have an open wedding and to be able to invite even total strangers to celebrate Chris being the center of our lives.  

Then when I finally get back home, I found i had a voice mail message from the manager at PR and Partners, they are totally 100% reimbursing my haircut and want me to come in to see their top hair specialist. I’ll take the reimbursement but probably wont go back. I don’t know how they would be able to fix my baby bangs…because they would have to cut and I can’t cut my hair any shorter before the wedding.

I love how the Lord can use discouragement, turn it into encouragement….now off to craft/crochet and hang out with Keisha the dog….thanking the Lord for working everything out…for providing such an incredible fiance and his wonderful family…for keeping close my amazing trusted friends and pruning out the rest….for providing sweet house sitting opportunies where I can rest and hang out with cute dogs…for providing neighbors who help…for working his great plan in working in peoples hearts…the providing me a flat tire so Scott and I can go and encourage Miguel whose heart the Lord has already been working on…such a small sacrifice huh…a flat tire :-)

creative blog

created a new blog to post all the pictures of my side-artistic-creations….wordpress can be lame and I have to pay money for more space

I chose to get a blog where I can post pictures for free

http://myheartresonateswithaglorioussound.blogspot.com/