Romans 14:19

So then we pursue the things which make for peace and the building up of one another

How easy is it to tear down when we are hurt….
But I believe we will receive more satisfaction in the building up one another, in keeping the unity and peace. To let our hearts be tender towards one another.

To not let our fights become bloody.
Proverbs 21:23

When I was younger, I was taught how to fight bloody. I did this allot with my sister Rhonda and brother Tim. Not a good thing. We would know the perfect places to hurt each other deeply, come out deeply wounded, deeply scared. I dont want to fight bloody any more, I want to look towards the person whose blood covered all my sins, Christ Jesus. His scripture is flooded with instructions on how to live at unity, at peace and to love one another even if the person is an enemy. If you pray for someone long enough, your heart will grow tender towards them and you eventually begin to love them.

I dont want a hard heart, I’ve sinned in the past with this. With allowing my heart to become hard from a hurt from by people. To let the hurtful words or actions they have done sink in deep in my heart to the point where I dont want to talk about forgiveness I just want to blow then off. To not deal with them anymore.

But I believe Christ has called us to a radical way of  living
radical way of thinking
and a radical way of loving

the very definition of radical = person who advocates significant, often extreme change

I want to be that radical person in my family
in my home
in my neighborhood
to my friends
to my enemies

We love, because He first loved us

now the question is…who is is willing to take this radical step towards unity. Towards no longer holding onto hurts, hate or bitterness.
Who is willing to put Christ first and foremost in their life and truly walk in light of the grace he has freely given us.

I was just told this morning by a friend, by having a heart that has a root of bitterness in it caused by a hurt, in an essence I am sinning against God because I have failed to do Matthew 5:23 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to your brother; then come and offer your gift. “

Keep short accounts
Keep communicating ((this is KEY…dont give up on talking…talk it till your blue in the face or if you have to draw it out))
Keep looking at your own heart to make sure its clean before the Lord.

Psalm 51:9-11

 John Piper  tweeted this the other day “Forgiveness is the answer to a childs dream” – Dag Hamerskjold
I wholeheartedly agree with this qoute….and I believe the child that is within all our hearts will deeply flourish in the light of forgiveness. I believe our hearts will fully grow in letting go of hurts and forgiving eachother.

shine your light and let the whole world see

When I think of Scott. I think of light. He is a light to this world. Thats probably why I am totally not surprised for all the medical stuff he has to endure.

Everyone needs compassion,
Love thats never-failing;
Let mercy fall on me

Everyone needs forgiveness,
The kindness of a Saviour;
The hope of nations
- Mighty to Save by Hillsong

Yesterday was a hard day. Spending 5 hours at NIH (National Institute of Health). We had to pass security, they literally look through your truck, purse and you walk through a metal detector. Go to admissions which is a pretty long process, but truly enjoyable. The people there are wonderful. Much more people oriented than Johns Hopkins. We were speaking to our admissions lady, she was super chatty with us, I think it was because her name was Sonia, and Scott said our sister in law’s name is Sonya and she asked how she spells it. We talked about children, her daughter is 31 and how she wants grandbabies but her daughter told her she keeps on asking too much. I mentioned maybe you should just pray about it and trust the Lord to move her heart. The woman realized we were believers and she opened up even more because she was a believer. We were talking about how the process has been for Scott, looking for a solution to what is causing these spasms in him, she said she would pray for us today. Talking and filling out forms with her took about an hour.

Went to the neurology section, it was great! They had a little waiting room, a mini fridge with snacks, water, coffee a computer you could log into. They did everything to make people waiting super comfortable. We waited for about a half an hour maybe more. Met with the first nurse who just took Scotts stats, took his blood pressure while he was laying down then standing up really quick, mentioned his weight lose (he has lost a lot of weight over the past 3+ years), everything looked normal, he was healthy.

Had one of the interview Dr’s come in. Scott and her talked in a nerdy medical language that I understood slightly. Thanks to Scott Im getting better. This took about an hour and a half. She had us wait about 45 mins as she talked to the council of Dr’s, there were about 12 of them. She called us in. She informed us before that these dr’s were the top neurologists in the united states besides some guy in Texas.

Scott did amazing during the interview. I believe they were surprised on how well-educated he is about his condition. Towards the end the Dr was asking basic questions. Then he was asking Scott if his condition causes anxiety (We found out later that 90+% of the cases that come in the people are depressed or super anxious about their condition). Scott said of course when it happens he feels some anxiety because of the pain and what he has experience in the past after the pain. That during the pain is the only time he thinks about it, and its because when it occurs it hurts. But other than that he is not anxious about death or about losing his job or his families or friends response to it, because he has a great support system and he knows where he is going after he dies. Then Scott said “Do you wanna hear a funny story” and the main Doctor jumped right into that one and said “Sure I would love to hear a funny story”. I am thinking oh no what is Scott going to say is he going to share some embarrassing story from when he was a high school youth leader. He then shares the story from Jan 1, 2001. Scott was praying in the morning on his knees and as he was praying asking the Lord for help that day, the thought went through his head “I will walk with you”. He kinda blew it off and kept on praying and the same thought went through his head “I will walk with you”. Scott said okay God I got it I  hear you, then again the thought went through his head “I will walk with you” . At that point Scott said okay I dont understand why this keeps going through my head but okay I hear you. He then got up took a shower and in the shower he got a bulge on the right side of his chest cavity and started losing his ability to walk and got all crumpled up. He called his dad and he came over and picked up Scott and took him to the ER. Pretty much that is when Scott started going to the doctors hard-core and pursuing whats been going on with his body. Its been almost three years ago. Then Scott shared that the Lord has walked him through this and this is why he is not anxious. That his church, family, close friends and job have been super supportive of him. That the Lord has not failed him he has walked with Scott. The Dr then responds “so you are a very religious man” and Scott says “I dont know about religious, but I know where I am going to go when I die. I know that Jesus christ died for me and I know when I eventually die and go to heaven I will be with him.”

Saviour, He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to Save
He is Mighty to Save

Forever, Author of Salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus Conquered the grave
- Mighty to Save by Hillsong

I sat there shocked. Couldn’t believe that Scott just shared the gospel with a whole council of the top neurology doctors. Part of me was like “Oh no they are not going to take him seriously, he should have just stuck to the facts and shared about his medical history” but then I just felt super comforted and thought this is the man I am going to marry and he is by far the boldest and most fearless man I have ever met. That the Lord is the great physician and only He has control over the hearts of men. The council to my surprise was actually pretty open to Scott sharing his beliefs. They thanked him and said they would be right with us. We waited in the waiting room and I cried. I knew that they were not tears of discouragement, but were tears that my heart is overflowed with joy in knowing Scotts heart and love for his savior Jesus.

So take me as You find me
All my fears and failures
Fill my life again

I give my life to follow
Everything I believe in
Now I surrender.
- Mighty to Save by Hillsong

The interview Dr met with us about 45 mins later to tell us the results from the council of doctors. The doctors said that they have never seen anything like this before. That Scott legitly has a medical condition, they are not 100% sure what it is. The thing that confounds them the most is that Scott is not like everyone else that comes in with a motion disorder, he is not depressed, he is not anxious, he has a great support system. Scott said this is because of his faith in Jesus. Also Scott has Type 1 diabetes, they are not sure if this comes into play. They said this is not cancer, not MS, not a whole bunch of other scary things, which my heart felt relieved. They said that this is a motion disorder and he is not crazy. They are going to continue looking into this as a team and would like permission to possibly plug him into some of their future approved trials.

My Saviour, He can move the mountains
My God is Mighty to save
He is Mighty to save
Forever, author of salvation
He rose and conquered the grave
Jesus conquered the grave

Shine your light and left the whole world see
We’re singing for the glory of the risen King…Jesus
- Mighty to Save by Hillsong

So this may not look like the 100% right answer. But for both Scott and I, it’s a great answer. We see that the Lord is still walking with Scott, still has him in the palm of His hands and still has control over Scotts medical condition.

We have prayfully decided that for now, until after the wedding, we are not going to pursue anymore paths. We are taking a break from it to focus and preparing for marriage.

I am honored and blessed to be walking alongside this great man of faith. He truly walks out Matthew 5:16.

Matthew 5:16

Let your light shine before men in such a way that they may see your good works and glorify your Father who is in heaven

 

MonChiChi

A picture of Scott while we were waiting….my last name is West so I always throw up the “West-Side” pretend gangsta sign…I gave Scott the nickname MonChiChi because on July 4th weekend in Florida he was looking for a nickname for me and couldn’t find one. He pulled up this website full of nicknames and one was MonChiChi. Since Scott was growing out his hair and beard I thought he looked just like one…and the nickname stuck. But yesterday while waiting for the Dr’s Scott was trying to make the west-side sign, we realized turning it upside down makes it the MonChiChi sign. Oh my seriously silly fiance…who can see goodness in every situation.

a counsel of doctors…

Scott was accepted for an appointment at NIH (National Institute of Health) for tomorrow Monday, November 23rd. He has been trying to get an appointment with them for about two years now.

What to expect for tomorrow.

They informed Scott when he arrives at 7:30am that he will be doing an hour and a half worth of paperwork. Afterwards he will meet with a doctor who will talk to Scott about his health for about an hour and a half. After that Scott will then meet with a whole council of Dr’s who will read his case and ask him questions. Then Scott will leave and the Dr’s will discuss amongst themselves what they think the proper course of treatment is. Then the orignal Dr will meet with Scott and explain what the counsel of Dr’s have decided.

Please lift Scott up in prayer tomorrow. Pray that the doctors will have clarity to see what has to be seen and the wisdom to say what needs to be said. But regardless we know that the great physician is the one who is ultimately in control of Scotts situation.

As we both are walking along this path of Scotts health issues, we are reminded of Job and how many people think that their trials somehow compare to what Job went through. The Lord in His great mercy has greatly blessed us in comparison to what Job went through. We still have many blessings that Job did not have at his lowest point. The Lord answered Job out of the storm and rebuked him twice and said “Now gird up your loins like a man” (Job 38:3 , 40:6). The Lord our God answered Job who was facing far worse trials then we and in His answer rebuked him. Now how are we to act in walking out our faith in this trial that the Lord has allowed Scott and I to walk through. I believe that He wants us with a sincere heart to look towards Him for our guidance and know the truths of Psalm 148: 18-19 “The Lord is near to those who call upon Him, to those who call upon Him in truth, he fulfills the desire to those who fear Him, He hears their cry and saves them” . We are not discouraged in the slightest bit because we know that the Lord is intimately aware of Scotts condition and is walking along with both of us in this journey.

MRI

So the awaited MRI will happen tomorrow morning. Scott has just heard from his primary that they scheduled the appointment. The Lord hears and is answering prayers, not only is the MRI scheduled but its on a Saturday!We have been waiting for a very long time for his PCP (Primary Care Physician) and JH Dr to communicate clearly with each other and just finally order the MRI. It looks like it finally happened.

The Johns Hopkins Neurology Dr, finally responded to Scott after two days. The Dr from the ER was calling him on Wednesday night and Scott emailed him the next day. So the Dr emailed Scott back this morning and at the bottom of his email explaining that he is going to contact the PCP to order the MRI he says this “I suspect that there will not be any significant abnormality but it is reasonable to check.”

Ummm reasonable to check? Yes its reasonable to check! You suggested last month that he get another MRI since the last one was done three years ago. Especially since the pain in his head is getting worse. I dont think someone would randomly make himself seize or convulse for the fun of it. Scott doesn’t like being sick. I dont want to stand their and have my heart feel like its being ripped out of my chest as my fiancé is convulsing on the ground and he can’t stop himself. This isn’t fun and games for us. I dont understant how can the Dr assume their will not be any significant abnormality? Or at least tell us that is what he is thinking. If this was one of his loved ones going through the same thing I am sure he would have ordered the MRI a long time ago.  I dont get it. If the JH Neurology Dr doesn’t want to deal with Scott because he is to busy being a professor then give Scott to someone else who cares.

I know I am venting because I am truly frustrated with some of Scotts Dr’s. I dont want to be angry or bitter with the JH Doctor. I know the Lord has us with him for a reason, I am not sure what the reason is because his PCP and JH Doctor are very difficult to work with or maybe I am just being a girl and feel that things are not progressing with the Dr’s as fast as I would have liked. I understand that Dr’s are very important, but I though especially after a PCP refers a patient to JH because there is a motion disorder and pain in the brain that they would work with him/or her. Not just take his time to return calls or emails after the patient was just in the ER for the 2nd time in a month.  As I am going through this frustration the Lord is really pressing on my heart…am I like this to other people in my life? To friends, family or strangers. How many times have I blown someone off because I didn’t think it was “that important”. Ouch…I am feeling like I am acting like the Drs.

Hebrews 12:1-3 (NASB)

But the Lord doesnt’ want us to focus on man because we will always fail. He wants us to pry our attention off of the daily circumstances and rest our gaze on Him. I am sooo thankful that out of this latest ER incident that the Dr’s all over are being more responsive, I am thankful that Scott is getting the MRI tomorrow, I am thankful that Scott has an appointment with NIH November 23rd, I am thankful that the Lord has allowed me to be part of Scotts life, I am thankful that we are able to make each other laugh through this, I am thankful of Scotts great faith and wonderful heart, I am thankful for the trail the Lord has brough upon us because it will bring us endurance (which I think I might be lacking), I am thankful the Lord is stretching us, in this breaking us, and binding our wounds and broken hearts tight so we can trust in Him even more. I believe in all of this, Christ himself is helping both Scott and I have complete unbroken faith in our Lord. By enduring through this trial, it is allowing us to see brokeness. Brokeness in Scotts health, brokeness in places where we feel cracked and weak and weary, brokeness in our heart. By this it has allowed us to see that Christ is the only truth in our life that is not broken and can never break. I am so thankful for this. Please continue to pray with us. We are so grateful to have you along with us through this journey.  

This story is still being written by God…..

One in a billion

One in a billion…this is what the ER doctor from Fairfax told Scott last night after another ambulance ride, trip to the ER last night.

Yesterday morning Scott had an appointment with a GI Doctor (Gastroenterology) at John Hopkins, a referral from the Neurology (Motion Disorder) Dr. I wasn’t able to go, being exhausted from not being able to sleep the night before, and Scott was planning on going back to work after the appointment and it made no sense to go there, come back drop me off then go to work. The GI Dr told Scott that what he had was probably not Celiacs disease or the movement disorder was not caused by any other GI Problem but gave him one more blood test to reconfirm.

Scott then went back to work, I saw my allergists to get on meds for my allergies to dogs and to get an inhaler. Went to the gym, then home to hang out with my roommate Shannan. I called Scott to check in and he sounded funny, like it a lot of pain and he asked me if he can call me back. Me having a gut feeling something is not right kept asking him what is the pain he was feeling, he said it was the back of his head and I asked what does it feel like and he said weird, he was getting upset saying that it was “weird”, since Scott is very calm I was getting kinda nervous at his voice and asked if we should get him to the ER, he said no and I asked him to take a blood sugar and to get some juice if he is super low and I will call him back in like two mins. Called him back, his BS (Blood sugar) was 50 (which is low) he had some juice and was drinking some more, he still sounded like he was in allot of pain, I asked him to get his roommate Zac or his sister Kristyn or Brother in law Paul, he didn’t want to and I said I would call Kristyn if he didn’t get her, he called Kristyn and Paul up, asked her to touch the back of his head (base of his neck/head) all of a sudden I heard him scream in pain and it sounded like he dropped to the ground and was convulsing. I told him I am coming over. Hung up threw on cloths (was in PJs) apologized to Shannan and Laura and rushed over to Scotts. They already called the ambulance, you could hear it coming, Scott was in the hallway seizing/convulsing, but it looked like he was trying to write on a paper, this time Scott couldn’t talk he was kinda foaming at the mouth, I think it effort to talk, this was scary and a first because normally he could talk. I got ice to put in the back of his head, kristyn was talking to him calmly and to the 911 woman on the phone and had a pillow while trying to read what he was writing. Paul was on the phone with Scotts brother and was trying to clear the way for the EMT’s. They came about 15 mins into them being their Scott was able to talk. They gave him this huge shot of sugar (I think it was sugar) to bring his BS up. It wasn’t working as fast as they were hoping it would. Gave him an IV and put him in this chair to get him out of the house, the entire time he was convulsing. We were scared. Got into the ambulance, they wouldn’t let me sit in the back had to sit up front. I was twittering to get people to pray. I guess while I was looking at my phone some kid flipped his car in front of us on braddock rd, the ambulance stopped, I was wondering why he was stopping and he said he wanted to make sure the kid was okay and wait till the other EMT’s arrived, it was about 10 – 15 mins, the kid was fine, some drunk college kid who just bought his car and flipped it. But fine. Got to Fairfax hospital. Scotts dad arrived, we had to wait in the waiting room till Scott was checked in.

I praise the Lord that Scott had this last night, that we were delayed and it happened at the time it happened. Because, Scott had an incredible Dr. She wanted his Johns Hopkins neurology Dr’s information, she paged him called him emailed him. Essentially said this is ridiculous that no one is testing Scott. Scotts primary and the JH Dr keep on going back and forth for about a month now on “who should order the next MRI”. She said that someone should just order it. She ordered a catscan, blood work, and did an electrolyte test. Everything came back normal. She encouraged both of us to be super aggressive in asking neurologists for help. That Scotts case is a legit case…that unfortunatly he is probably that “one in a billion” person that has to suffer with this. But she believes this is something that is curable and if we get the right Neurologist who is willing to work with us as a team and fight for Scott that we can find the cure.

Below is what Scott emailed out to some of our prayer team…..

All,

Just wanted to give you the most recent update.

Jess, my Dad and I were at the ER again last night.  The good news is there is still no Tumors or hemorrhaging (blood in the brain from vessels bursting).

I have been to Johns Hopkins three times now, and they have said it is “baffling”.  However… We know who the Great physician is… and its NOT Baffling to Him…  hahaha 8^)

Jess has been SUPER amazing through this all and proved by her actions that she will stick beside me in any circumstance.  I praise the Lord greatly for providing her.  She is getting really good at helping me laugh and supporting me during tough times.

I will attach below a quick snippet of what happened.  Please be encouraged as Jess can tell you, we have seen the hand of God clearly helping us in the last 24 hours.  8^)  Ephesians 3:20, Psalm 54:17, Proverbs 8:32  8^)

Dr. (Neurologist at John’s Hopkins),

Could you please help me?I collapsed again last night

Pain in back of the head, collapsed and entire body started having spasms

Completely conscious (see, talk, think, move my hands). 
My sister called 911 and as I was explaining to her what I felt in the back of my head, I suddenly lost the ability to talk
I felt a decent sized bubble or something in the back of my head and grabbed her hand to put it on my head.  She felt what she said was like a pellet sized bead made up of a bunch of little beads and then it was gone.

My ability to talk was gone for about 30 minutes
The spasms lasted about an hour long and then subsided on their own (and we didn’t even use ice this time).

The ER did a CT scan and blood work with electrolytes which where mostly normal
ER discharged me and told me to get MRI that you requested this week

The ER also told me to start getting serious about this. Go to Mayo Clinic or NIH???

I saw the Johns Hopkins GI doctor as you recommended yesterday and they said it was probably not Celiacs disease or caused by any other GI problem but gave me one more blood test to re-confirm.

I trust God completely in this and Praise Him for all that He continues to do.  Please do the same.  8^)  

Proverbs 3:5-6

Trust in the LORD with all your heart
         And do not lean on your own understanding. 
    In all your ways acknowledge Him,
         And He will make your paths straight.

The Lord knows and the Lord will lead us to the path for answers for Scotts motion disorder. I praise the Lord for walking with us every step of the way. I dont know what we would have done with out the love of the Lord and support/prayers of our family and friends.

**also side note…while I was writing this Scott texted/called me and said that one of the lead motion disorder/nuerologists from NIH (one of the top dr’s in the country) wants to see him in two weeks!!!! this is AMAZING. The Lord is already answering prayers**

Bristol Connecticut

Bristol Conneticut….its not just the home of ESPN

Its were my dads side of the family grew up. It’s a place I have been avoiding for the past few years. Tomorrow Scott and I are going on a road trip to Bristol Connecticut. When he called my dad and asked him for my hand in marriage he promised my dad we would go up for a visit before we got married. I’ve been putting it off for awhile. But now I can’t put it off any more.

You see…
I haven’t seen my dad in over 5 years
I haven’t seen my dad since he got out of jail for robbing a bank
My heart is afraid he would hurt me again
My heart is afraid the family would hurt me

I guard my heart and hold it closely and tightly. Sometimes to tight.

Last night I called my dad to find out where my little sister Kaylee got her new job at. I wanted to see if she got a job at Good Will. She did get the job, and I am thrilled. I think its neat how the Lord has placed me and my two sisters in jobs where we work for Christian organizations. They are not believers, but I believe the Lord has a plan. My dad informed me that he took of Friday from work. The entire time I have known my dad (since birth) he has never ever taken a day off  of work. He is pretty hard-working, working sometimes two jobs at a time and always always works overtime. He then asked me what time Scott and I were going to leave on Sunday, I said whenever, then my dad asked me if he could ask me a favor and I said sure whats up. He wanted us to go to service on Sunday and to meet Pastor Davidson, the Pastor I got him connected with awhile back. I was like seriously….are you sure? He said yeah he has been wanting me to meet him and wanting to go back. (side note…my dad stopped talking to me when I first started working for a church…he wouldn’t step inside a non-catholic church). So I was like yeah I think Scott would really really enjoy that.

Scott and I hung out last night and he was like Jess your beaming. I was like well my family is kinda excited for me to go up, thats never happened before and I am going to see my little sister Kaylee and my dad. Scott reminded me (and I never thought of this before) that my dad will soon be his dad and my little sister Kaylee will be his little sister. I then thought, there is no one else I would rather bring into the family than Scott. They are going to love him, love his heart, and he will be able to just portray Christ in a way I never ever could. A blogger friend of mine Alece blogged about this today. This womans story just amazes me. After reading her blog I was just reminded how excited that my family will be able to see how Scott loves me just as Christ loves me. That Scott will love them unconditionally as Christ loves them.

I believe that Christ who is the ultimate healer…the one that pursues us until we fall in love with Him will bring together my family and heal them. That they will realize that they dont have to wander around, walking away from love, clinging a heart full of shame and hurt afraid to trust themselves or others. Thinking that love is just conditional and knowing that they will fail because they are not perfect, that they dont think they deserve unconditional love. But Christ….

Luke 19:10 (NASB)

For the Son of Man has come to seek and to save that which was lost

He came for me and he came for them. He came so we can fully experience his grace, his love and his mercy, unconditionally with out merit. That He will take away all the shame from our youth, all the shame of our yesterdays and all the shame of tomorrows, that we will no longer experience shame. But in Him experience true forgiveness and out of this newly forgiven heart will out poor forgiveness for our family and those around us.

Yes….I am looking forward to going to Bristol Conneticut…I am looking forward to seeing my family…I am looking forward to seeing my dad and my sister Kaylee. I am looking forward to introducing them to my fiance Scott.

being sick

I hate being sick.

I thought I had allergies at first, they always come around this time of the year. Wasnt’ running a fever, just coughing, and coughing and coughing. I heard one of my roommates coughing and coughing and coughing. My coughing didn’t start until I got back home about a week ago.

Then on my birthday on Wednesday, I just felt tired, figured it was because we spent the day at Hopkins the previous day. Scott wanted to come over and cook me dinner since I can’t eat at his house from the allergies and my throat closes up when I eat. So he came over and made some amazing chicken, corn and rice (he puts in these ingredients where it’s not just pain rice/chicken/corn…its amazing…Scott should have been a chef). Had some amazing tiramisu we got from Little Italy in Baltimore the day before, it was great because some of my roommates were around and we were able to share. While we were watching Amazing Grace (one of my favorite movies) my roommate comes down coughing and informs us she was diagnosed with bronchitis again. I know Scott felt uncomfortable as we are trying to keep it safe with being sick this year. He is diabetic and can’t get sick because his immune system is not like everyone elses. Also we dont want his sister that lives with him is pregnant. So I carry around purell, been eating healthy, working out…but all that doesn’t help when you have a roommate who hasn’t taken meds for bronchitis. So that night it was hard for me to breath I kept coughing (and I have asthma) the next morning I took a shower and nasty green stuff was coming up when I was coughing…so I called my Dr’s made an appt and sure enough I have bronchitis (great). Got on the meds, spent the day home drinking tea, OJ, water and having my yeast free bread with peanut butter and honey.

My whole point in this

I hate being sick. I can handle taking care of other people. But I hate being sick. I feel guilty being sick. I dont want to get my fiance sick. I dont want to get my other roommates sick. I dont want to get my co-workers or even the guy at wegmans sick. I told the cashier yesterday that he might want to wash his hands with purell because I am sick. I dont like being sick and I dont want other people to feel sick.

Im praying I feel better soon, so I can get off the meds, so I can reschedule my allergists appointment (had to cancel bc of Scotts unexpected JH visit) so I can figure out what over the counter meds I can take so I am not allergic to the dogs in his house. Before you see the allergists I have to be off meds for like four days so they dont mess with the test.

I miss seeing my fiance

this is hard

and I hate being sick

one of the best birthday poems ever….he gave this to me on some pretty papyrus paper that had butterfly’s sewn on them…best gift ever….

(For Jessica on her birthday written by Scott Judkins)

The Spirit of God
Our peace through the pain
Our Comfort from Heaven
As the world binds in chains

Jessica West
My soon to be wife
You are a comfort to me…
A best friend for life

To Jesus be honor
His life gave for me
The perfect example
The love of His daddy

I will do my best
Jess, to love you like this
PLease be patient with me
When my words are amiss

To God be the glory
His word will come true
In Him do I trust
I know you will too

The dream of my heart
God’s answer to prayer
Through Years in the making
He purposed you there.
(written by Scott M. Judkins 10.28.09)

Tomorrow…prayfull I am feeling better better… we are going with Heidi and Brad and driving through the Shenandoah’s to take pictures. I’ve been wanting to do this for years. In 2006 my friend Anna Pearson took me on a surprise birthday drive through the Shenandoah’s. It was amazing, just seeing all that the Lord had created. I remember during that drive I thought, when ever I get engaged, or when ever I am married, I want to do the same drive with my fiance/husband….and I get to do that tomorrow. The Lord is so good to me. Even when I am feeling sick and not feeling good and probably need a little bit of extra grace.

Visit at Johns Hopkins

Many people have contacted me to ask what specifically is going on with Scott and how to pray for him.

This is what I have so far.

The Johns Hopkins calls it Paroxysmal NonKinessigenic Diskenisia (PNKD), they think it stems from either his low thyroid; his diabetes; a traumatic brain injury (he was in a coma a few years ago from passing out from a low blood sugar and while he passed out he hit his head on the ground); basal ganglia calcification or hypoxemic injury.  He has three herniated discs in his head where he feels the pain before and during he has his spasms. He has a total of 9 herniated discs in his entire spine. The one in his lower back is called degenerative disc disease. That might be the herniated disc that is associated with his legs giving out on him. The neuro surgeons are not able to surgery on those discs because of their location.

So far they have totally ruled out MS, Brain Tumors, the white blood count doesn’t indicate cancer and they have almost ruled out Parkinson’s. He may have Crohns Disease but this should not make him have the spasms.

Scott has also in the past been diagnosed a fat malabsorption which means he can eat less than 5 grams of fat per meal and he has 6 meals a day. They diagnoses liponatas fold in his stomach. He also has MS, Brain Tumors,in his stomach. Scott and I laugh about this because it’s rarely found in humans and more commonly found in dogs. This is serious, but we have to find laughter in it somehow. We know that the Lord hears the prayers of those who love Him. He found that he is allergic to yeast, which means he can’t take one type of insulin because it is yeast based. This this is a recent allergy (past 2-3 years).

We went to Hopkins yesterday, our 2nd visit with them. Scott spoke to the Dr. a resident and an intern. They had him go through some basic movement tests to see if they can create the spasms. They did create some when they moved a pen under his foot, Scott crunched up and his body started convulsing a little. He did have some stomach spasms while we were waiting in the waiting room, but these are pretty mild and he has them daily. The Dr told Scott that the entire thing “baffles him”, he is going to order an MRI (since scott hasn’t had a new one in 2-3 yrs) and have him see a stomach Dr at Johns Hopkins and do possible genetic testing. So please continue to pray for Scott. We felt kinda discouraged leaving Hopkins because we didn’t have any real solid answers. But then I remembered that TV Show Dr House. I said Scott, Dr House doesn’t “brian storm” with the patient to see what the problem could be, they instead brain storm together as a team to try to solve the puzzle. I bet that is what the Dr and his team is trying to do. That is why they are running more tests.

Last night the Lord took me over to Psalm 147.

Psalm 147 (NASB)

 ¹Praise the LORD!
         For it is good to sing praises to our God;
         For it is pleasant and praise is becoming.
    ²The LORD builds up Jerusalem;
         He gathers the outcasts of Israel.
    ³He heals the brokenhearted
         And binds up their wounds.
    ⁴He counts the number of the stars;
         He gives names to all of them.
    ⁵Great is our Lord and abundant in strength;
         His understanding is infinite.
    ⁶The LORD supports the afflicted;
         He brings down the wicked to the ground.
    ⁷Sing to the LORD with thanksgiving;
         Sing praises to our God on the lyre,
    ⁸Who covers the heavens with clouds,
         Who provides rain for the earth,
         Who makes grass to grow on the mountains.
    ⁹He gives to the beast its food,
         And to the young ravens which cry.
    ¹⁰He does not delight in the strength of the horse;
         He does not take pleasure in the legs of a man.
    ¹¹The LORD favors those who fear Him,
         Those who wait for His lovingkindness.
    ¹²Praise the LORD, O Jerusalem!
         Praise your God, O Zion!
    ¹³For He has strengthened the bars of your gates;
         He has blessed your sons within you.
    ¹⁴He makes peace in your borders;
         He satisfies you with the finest of the wheat.
    ¹⁵He sends forth His command to the earth;
         His word runs very swiftly.
    ¹⁶He gives snow like wool;
         He scatters the frost like ashes.
    ¹⁷He casts forth His ice as fragments;
         Who can stand before His cold?
    ¹⁸He sends forth His word and melts them;
         He causes His wind to blow and the waters to flow.
    ¹⁹He declares His words to Jacob,
         His statutes and His ordinances to Israel.
    ²⁰He has not dealt thus with any nation;
         And as for His ordinances, they have not known them.
         Praise the LORD

 His word says it all…its perfect encouragement and perfect place to rest my soul and heart in. The Lords word will stand strong and true and we lean on the Lord and His word at all times, and it helps us make the confusing times less confusing.

Johns Hopkins Part 2

Did you ever grow up wishing that the latest TV show was real life? I mean before reality TV shows even existed? Like back in the days when people watched Beverly Hills, 90210, the original version with Brenda, Brandon and Donna. Or when Friends was popular, how it felt comforting to just watch a show on how best friends just lived life together. I never really wished any of the TV shows were real….well I take that back…when I was around 5 we lived in Germany and our power went out from a storm…I was watching Sesame Street and though that Bert and Ernie and Big Bird had gotten stuck in the TV set. Very traumatic. Thats when my mom told me that it wasn’t real life…but before that I really wanted it to be real life and wanted them to be my friends.

But now I wish House was real. I dont care that he is mean in the show, I think thats the point, it shows how patients just want the cure, or they want some one who can figure out their puzzle. I wish that they based the TV show off of a real Dr. A Dr that is really encouraged to truly ponder over why something is drastically medically wrong about a person. Not treat a person as a number, but treat them as a puzzle and have a strong desire to figure the puzzle/person/medical condition out.

Scott received an unexpected call from Johns Hopkins today. His second appointment was scheduled for December, but they had a cancellation and I am assuming they called Scott because he spent several hours in the ER room a few Saturdays ago and Scott emailed them about it.

My prayer is this. That the Dr doesnt’ give up on Scott. That he truly wants to be on Scotts team to encourage him, to try to figure out this puzzle together. To go outside of the box and think “hey this guy has these seizures/spasms and all  his blood work is fine…let me try to think outside of the box as to what could be wrong, let me listen to the patient instead of blowing him off”. I dont understand why Scott gets these seizures (they wont call them seizures because he is fully mentally functioning and can hold a conversation during them) but his entire body convulses. I dont understand why his legs give out on him and he falls down when we are walking sometimes. But I do know that deep down in most Dr’s when they fist wanted to go to medical school, or when they were kids, they had that innate desire to want to change the world by helping someone. By helping to try to figure out the puzzle of what is wrong with that person. By helping them get better. To be honest, the Dr who is going to help Scott is going to not only change Scotts life, but mine and many others. So I am praying that the Dr remembers why he originally wanted to become a Johns Hopkins Dr. Where the undiagnosed go to, to be treated by the best, who can solve these puzzles. I think I am now starting to feel the frustration that his Dr here wont take Scott seriously. I mean sure everyone just likes to randomly make their body have spasms and seize up, thats a fun way to spend a Saturday night in the ER (please hear my sarcasm in this…and this is not based on the JH Dr…but a local one that gives Scott a run around).

I do trust in the Lord with Scotts life. I trust in the Lord for allowing Scott to have this motion disorder. I just know that the Johns Hopkins Dr, holds the key to encouraging my fiance by wanting to be on his team, and wanting to work with him to help find out what is wrong.

And by the way…Scott has been amazing about this whole process. Its neat to see how he is geniuly nice, humble, kind to the Drs. Me on the other hand (the firecracker) would have gotten fired up a long time ago and would have probably said something, regret I said something, then go back and ask for forgiveness. But Scott realizes that the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. I praise God that he has instilled these qualities in Scott. That Scott even though he physically doesn’t feel like it, when he is at his worst, still treates those around him with these qualities. Maybe that is why the Lord has allowed this. So others around him can see Christ shine through him as he carries around these fruits and holds them out for others to take a look at.

Air Filter

Looking back on the Lords faithfulness through an air filter….

If you go through the past I dont know 10+ years of my journals you will see that I prayed for specific things for my future husband. Well first and foremost I prayed that God would mold me into the wife He had intended me to be for my husband. To prepare me and mold my heart because I knew the Lord had a lot of work to do in me first before I could ever get married. I also prayed that the man would love the Lord more than life its-self…its funny how he provided Scott who literally has to lean on the Lord and place his life in the Lords hands daily because of his diabetes and we have no idea what his movement disorder is. I also prayed that he would make an amazing father…and Scott loves kids more than any man I have met. I keep on teasing him that we are going to end up like the duggars with 18 kids because we both love kids so much. I prayed for other things… but one thing you will see I just cried out to the Lord over and over again is…”Lord please have him take over my car issues“.  That he doesn’t have to be a mechanic, just be the voice behind the person requesting the car work. You see growing up my dad was a mechanic. He worked as one in the military and when he got out. Everytime I go to a car shop the smell reminds me of my father. He knew how to fix anyone’s car and he was the person everyone called up. When we go to to visit my family in a few weeks Scott will be able to see how nuts my family is about restoring and fixing cars. My uncle Frank has a garage at his house where his son (little Frank) and his friends get together and fix or remodel cars and they all compete in the towns “car shows”. It’s great! But because I was a girl my dad never taught my sisters or I how to fix cars.  So because I am a girl who doesn’t have any of her male family members in the area, when my car breaks down I get the run around with many shops. Last year was one of my hardest years as far as car breaking down. I literally put in $3,000+ in car expenses. It was one thing after another and one shop didn’t fix my car right which caused it to over heat on the way home to Maryland on the American Legion Bridge (nightmare during rush-hour) and when I took it back to the mechanic he realized that he did something wrong that ended up burning the fuse that was somehow connected to my fan. The half burnt fuse is actually on my desk as a reminder of how faithful the Lord is. Well Scott has been asking me for months to allow him to fix my car. For me to allow him to do this is like allowing him to enter a very sacred place in my heart and this is scary for me since it has been hurt by many car shop mechanics in the area that I am forced to trust into taking care of my car. I haven’t even allowed him to drive my car yet. Its a piece of junk…but its still my piece of junk. Well I’ve been about two months over due for an oil change, my tires all needed air, especially one of my back tires it just looked flat. When I turned on the air or heat, it would smell like cow manure. I had no idea why….figured a squirrel crawled up in  the car and died about a year ago…or at least pooped in the air filter. My car has been making a funny noise…so today was the day we were “fixing my car” getting the oil change ect. We decided last min we would see his nephew Kodys last t-ball game of the season.  We got to see the family and see Kody play. It ended up raining out, but was fun. Tyler looked like a cute rubber ducky in his rain slicker.

Kody even told me he loves me more than uncle scott. SCORE! ha ha Left and did a whole bunch of errands and found out that the places we wanted to take my car to were all booked up. Ended up calling Jiffy Lube and they had appts open. Went there and Scott talk the guys. It was kinda funny because Scott was giving his information for my car, like contact information and while he was doing this, while I was allowing him to take care of me I thought… I am going to marry this man…that next time I come here I would be married and the address Scott is giving for my car is going to be our address…left the place and I told Scott I dont think I trust the mechanics (I have trust issues) that the reason why they have open appointments is because no one trusts them. Scott was super gentle and said we would just trust in the Lord and he ensured that he will double-check everything when we leave. Satisfied with the answer we went to wal-mart to get the air filter, went back and got my car, everything appeared okay.

Later in the day Scott came over. The was sun finally came out and he asked if he can change the air filter. I was all game because I thought it would be neat to watch. He changed the air filter for me. The old one was gross, it was black and had bugs and pollen inside of it. Then afterwards he was able to show me how the oil was changed and confirmed that they topped off all the other fluids.

 

I love how the Lord not only provides Scott as a fiance (future husband) with all the super big qualities I was looking for, Godly man, spurs me on to love the Lord more, loves children, loves working with students, can make me laugh, and is goofier than me…but also that the Lord knew the little things that would just mean so much to me…like helping me understand and fix my car. I love how the Lord even though I act like a doubting Thomas, breaks down my walls through the love of another. That the Lord knew that Scott would have the patience and love to show me things about my car. That Scott would encourage me to trust people, to take them at their word.

I also praise the Lord for providing this awesome family that Scott has, I was telling him last week that I dont even have to try with his family, that they for some reason automatically love me. Im totally not used to this. It confounds me. But its wonderfully sweet. Like a few months ago when his sister in law signed her email saying that she loves me. I was taken aback by it. But now knowing my future sister-in-law and knowing her heart and even knowing the heart of all his family members. They truly mean it when they say that they love you….and they would be willing to give the very shirt off of their back to help someone in need. Its unconditional. Its amazing. Its beautiful. Its what the Lord intended. It’s totally not what I deserve but I rejoice in the Lord bestowing upon me blessings that are undeserved and rejoice in seeing that this is yet another step He is allowing me to take to change my heart to become a little more like His.

Colossians 2:10 (NASB)

And in Him you have been made complete

If we find ourselves hidden in Christ. Then we will find ourselves made complete.