The beauty in all of this….

My heart broken over my father not talking to us when he got out. I felt so wounded by his actions, that my entire life I was trying to be validated by him and I thought this was something that I was over but all the feelings and struggles resurfaced. So broken, wounded, air can’t fill my lungs fast enough, past regrets that I try to cling on to like old mold that just wont go away. The world and my family doesn’t want unity, running from each other, my family is broken, I am broken. Our hearts are all breaking making a deafening sound. Recognized by us all but we are to injured to look out towards our eternal hope. But continue to look at the wound, traumatized, frozen by our personal horror and hurt, unwilling to look up to our Savior who wants to heal the wound. Lord help us turn our eyes to you.

I am broken
I am wounded
I am forgiven
I believe

The beauty in all of this….
I remember being so broken and hurt by my father and one night as I was pouring myself over the Lords truths he has given in his word…it just clicked. Realizing I am deeply, deeply loved by God and that He is calling me to act in the light of the truth that He has saved me. That he has literally picked me up and he has erased my past. That He is my true father…my Abba…He is the Lord that knows me intimatly like no other person could ever know me. That he searches me daily (Psalm 139:1) That he wants me to be regenerated….birth of a new being that no longer holds onto the shame of her past…

That His light and truth will led me when I feel that I can not do it on my own. Through this He was literally helping me see that I can’t do it on my own and in this and all things I would be able to lean on him and have full peace. That through this father pain I was able to increase my resolve to trust in my heavenly father, and to have his light and truth lead me to his holy hill, to his dwelling place, for in His light we see, for he is our exceeding joy.

Psalm 73:28

But as for me, the nearness of God is my good;
I have made the Lord GOD my refuge,
That I may tell of all Your works.

I wanted to fully forgive my father, forgive him for the past and the present. That I could have empathy and look at him with the eyes and heart of the Lord. This was one of my main prayers for months.

O Love, Oh Light
to thee I sing
my souls delight
to you I cling
Of your grace
I implore
my past erased
you heal and restore

Psalm 103:12 (NASB)

As far as the east is from the west,
         So far has He removed our transgressions from us
- Written by Jessica West (June 17, 2009)

I’ve realized after a frontline service last fall that I had forgiven my father. On my way to my desk I received a phone call from an 860 area code, and I was thinking this is Connecticut, my family doesn’t call me. I picked it up…and it was my father. I found it funny that when I finally released him fully to the Lord that my father finally called me. I was shocked, but realized that the Lord wanted to show his forgiveness and grace to him. That my father was also broken, my father didn’t truly know the Lord. So the holidays were upon us, it was really hard for my dad he was really broken. That Jan my father called me up while I was dog sitting for my friend Lynne in reston. My dad was broken, told me that he didn’t want to live life any more, what was the point of living, he was really suicidal. I was like well dad their is hope in Jesus Christ, if I didn’t have this then yes I would agree with you, their is nothing worth living for because He is the only thing that has of any worth of living for. My dad didn’t want to hear my religious talk. So I let him vent, he told me that he would like to crash his car into a tree, or that he had a plan to go drive out west and just rob banks until the cops shot at him. My heart was breaking for him. He was asking me…Jess I was a good dad right….and I was like dad do you want an honest answer and he said yes. I told him about our childhood. He said well why dont you ever bring it up or hold it over me…and I was like dad because of Christ I forgive you. I dont want to bring up something that would hurt you and myself. I’ve forgiven you of that. About an hour and a half into the conversation, and this conversation was one that you wanted to put the phone down, run outside and scream….my dad asked me about the fear of the Lord. I am thinking he just told me he didn’t want to talk about my faith and he is bringing it up, I don’t get it. So my dad was telling me how we “Christians” have an incorrect view of God. How could God who loves us also want us to fear Him. I was like dad I struggled with the same thing and you have the wrong interpretation of the Godly fear the Lord is talking about. So we discussed this and my dad wanted to “Prove me wrong” he said that he can just change the world with his “right” interpretation with the word fear and that the bible is wrong. I was like okay dad how are you going to prove me wrong. He said he is going to meet Pastor Davidson. I almost dropped the phone. You see Pastor Davidson was a Pastor recommended by Dr Tim. My dad was released a year before and I contacted a handful of church’s in Bristol Conn, no one wanted to reach out to my dad. So Dr. Tim found this amazing church, who are doctrinally align with our church. I contacted Pastor Davidson who was the pastor of the church and he immediately agreed to get involved in my dads life. He would try to meet with my dad and for about a year called/drove by and tried to contact my dad. My dad wanted nothing to do with him and avoided him at all costs. So when my dad mentioned he wanted to prove me wrong and speak to Pastor Davidson, I said SURE! Go ahead and do that and let me know what he says. Very next day I get an email from Pastor Davidson saying he has been praying for my father and wanted to see how he was doing! I was like well you wont believe what happened last night. So long story short, my father and Pastor Davidson met up, and that was in Jan, they have been meeting every Thursday evening since then, my father and Pastor Davidson are good friends, my father now attends the church and is now a confessed, living it out believer of Jesus Christ. My father now knows of the hope I talk of. My father who hated it that I became a believer and that I worked for a church…now thinks that one day he would like to be a Pastor and he loves to encourage me in my walk.

To be continued…